Defeat feels like concrete. In three days time I'm due to pay a series of bills that are suppose to make my life better. I keep taking classes that are suppose to enlighten me, temper me or enable me. The outcome has been much more like defeat, boredom and false dogma. My truths seem only to come from within experiences I grasp on walks back from the grocery store, or that time I decided to do handstands on the concrete wall outside the bank.
A number of days ago I lost family. Elijah I love you. Since then the world has fallen into some kind of darkness and the illuminated Hollywood dream has become nothing more than a lit up hotel sign near a raging highway.
I am dancer? I don't know anymore. It feels like such a blur since last fall I can't seem to find footing in anything out here. The only thing holding me together has been the love of my life. She is extraordinary and has saved me over and over again. From the look of things I know I'm not suppose to complain. After all there are people in far worse shape then I, and for that I am grateful for my high class problems.
Still there's something really troubling about the state of things. I went out to get a part time job yesterday. Just bussing tables or doing something labor intensive. Each time I walked into a place I was met with diversion. Everything here seems to be a part of a chain and with it an online application. What ever happened to meeting the owner, shaking hands and finding new found faith in someone. I can't help but notice the amount of homeless people there are. What's more is they seem to be making more money then I do.
Today I went and took class with Diavolo. They are a contemporary dance company based in Los Angeles, and they specialize in exploring movement on various architectural structures. It was nice being in their space, and for a moment I thought it could be a place I could work, but the faint vision of a future after another stint with a company makes me shutter. Even still I would honor the work, but my senses tell me I'm not what they are looking for.
It's alright, I am starting to accept the idea of laying down roots for real. The highlight of my day today was planting mint at the back of my building. I had acquired a basil plant along with it from the grocery store a few weeks back, but white flies seem to be destroying them both. The basil is gone but mr. mint has a chance. I took it to the back and placed it in the dirt. It may die yet but the idea of setting it free made me feel good, and the action of planing things in the earth is as amazing a feeling as running through the woods.
I think I'll do that more.
